Well, another month...4 months since you passed. I don’t count, but whenever I realize it’s the 7th, I let out a big sigh because I know it’s another month. It feels like an eternity without you, so it’s hard to believe it’s only been 4 months. Sometimes, I wonder if I would ever forget the 7th of any month. You know we also got married on the 7th!! Next month would be our 3rd wedding anniversary. (Even though for some reason, I always think it’s the 6th, you would always correct me whenever I get the date of our wedding anniversary wrong!) Anyways, one thing that never gets old is crying in the car. I wonder if this will be part of my story forever also! I’m getting on the bridge and next thing I know, I’m in tears. I don’t even know if I know why I am crying. I wonder if it’s just a routine that my new normal adopted without realizing it should be a temporary thing that needs an expiration date.
You know, ever since you died, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering what type of skeletons would come out of your closet. You always hear of skeletons that come out of people’s closets when they die. I’ve been wondering if someone would be knocking on my door one day and say one of the following:
“I’m S’s baby mama!! He stopped paying child support, where’s that deadbeat dad?!”
“I’m here to break S’s knee cap since he owes us a million dollars and he missed his last 4 payments!?!”
“I’m looking for my dad, his name is S. Does he live here?!”
I mentioned this to YA the first couple of weeks after you passed and he said, “S stayed home too much to have a second life!” I laughed and said, “Yeah you’re right! He was home a lot!!” We were definitely homebodies, especially as we got older. We rarely went out unless it was some sort of event or family engagement. Going out and waiting in line to eat or do anything never seemed enticing to us at all. We were nesting I guess (just without the kids!) Anyways, I’m still waiting--it’s only been four months, so maybe your skeletons take a little longer to come out of the closet!! 😂😆
Well, your mom did drop an interesting tidbit of info at brunch on Saturday. Not sure if it’s a skeleton or just a bone, but anyways, she said she didn’t want to ask when you were alive because she didn’t want to stir up any trouble, but since you’re gone now, I guess curiosity killed the cat! She asked if I broke up with you a long time ago? I said, “If it was in 2006, then yes, it was probably me! Why?!” She said, “That sounds about right. S came over on day and was in complete distress and was distraught because someone broke up with him. He kept saying, ‘She was the one, Mama! She was the one.’ But he wouldn’t tell us who it was. He was in tears and so heartbroken. We were all very upset and wanted to give this girl a piece of our minds, and even his brother wanted to find this girl that broke his brother’s heart and set her straight! But, S wouldn’t tell us who she was, so I was curious if it was you!?!” I laughed and said, “He cried and said I was ‘the one’?!” Your mom said, “I’ve never seen him so distraught and heartbroken. I didn’t even know what to say or do for him. He just kept crying and saying ‘she’s the one Mama!’ We all just wanted to find this girl and beat her up for breaking his heart.” I said, “Well, I don’t know if it’s me or not, but we did break up in 2006!” I guess if it was me, I had a 'hit out on my life' and I didn’t even know it! Even your Aunt MH says I have a butt whipping coming my way the next time she sees me for breaking her nephew’s heart a long time ago! I guess it must have been a big deal if they could remember it so vividly after all these years! I didn’t even know what to say when I heard that story!! I knew the breakup was bad on both part, but I didn’t realize it hurted you as much as it did me. (Actually, it was good to know that I wasn’t the only one in pain! haha😜)
Ironically, I knew you were ‘the one’ early on as well. I remember telling VL that you were the one (and I was still living in San Diego). She was shocked since we didn’t really know each other for that long, and I was still hung up on my ex at the time, but something deep inside of me always knew you were ‘the one’ also. She even bought me a little book called Is he the one? that asked a series of questions to determined if he’s the one! I remember reading the book and you didn’t pass with flying colors, but somehow I still knew you were ‘the one.’ I guess it all goes back to the saying, “True love cannot be be found where it does not exist, nor can it be hidden from where it does.” We may not have been ready for it when we first met, but since we were meant to be together (which you so strongly believed), we found our way back to each other despite the odds. (I mean, this is assuming you were distraught over me all those years ago and not someone else!!) Your mom seems to believe it was me also! I know, I’m pretty awesome, so of course you would be crying and distraught when we broke up! You immediately knew what you lost, but you also realize we weren’t ready for each other yet. We both had a lot of ‘growing up’ to do before we could be the partner we needed to be for each other. Your mom ended the conversation with, “Well, I’m glad it worked out!” I kinda laughed and ironically said, “I don’t know, can you really say it worked out and we made it?!”
Sometimes, I curse the universe because we weren’t given a fair chance to see if we really worked or could last forever. I remember when Aunt JJ and Uncle Rob were getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, I asked you, “Do you think we would make it to 50 years married?!” You said, “Probably not, we got married too late. One of us would be dead before our 50th wedding anniversary!” Then I said, “What about 25 years?!” Then you said, “Yes, we would still be alive for that!” So, that’s what I was looking forward to--25 years of marriage with you, but we didn’t even make it to 3. The universe is cruel, and often times I curse it and ask “What did I do to deserve this?!”
After we got married, we arrived at the hotel and was so happy it was over, and you said, “How do people do this more than once?!” We both laughed and agreed getting married was way too much work and we never wanted to do it again. You even went as far to say, “If we don’t work, there’s no way it would work with anyone else.” I didn’t really know what you meant when you said that, I just took it for face value. But maybe with the insight your mom just gave me, maybe what you meant was I’m the only person you felt was ‘the one,’ so if ‘the one’ doesn’t work then nothing else would. Honestly, I think a lot of your family was shocked when you got married. They probably thought hell froze over when we announced our engagement. Even one of your cousins said, “The broom is going to light up on fire when S jumps over it!” I think everybody showed up to witness our wedding for themselves because they couldn’t believe someone actually got SBC to walk down the aisle willingly. Your dad said he gave up on you getting married. He didn’t think it was ever going to happen. Your cousin, RJ, said he couldn’t believe you were actually getting married. I guess we surprised everybody when we said “I do!” Like I said on the save the dates, “Miracles never cease to exist!”
Anyways, when your dad said he gave up on you ever getting married. I asked if I was worth the wait!?! He said, “Yes!”
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.