There's a light at the end of the tunnel, right?!

Hi Babe -

I can’t believe another year is almost over and that it’s almost a year since you passed.  I honestly didn’t think I would survive or make it to month 2 after you passed. I thought my life was going to be over and I was just going to wither away from insanity (cause I was completely insane after you passed)!  I don’t even know at what point I got my sanity back (or if I’m even sane now)! Honestly, when I saw your body on the metal slab in the hospital, all I wanted to do was hold your hand and lay next to you forever. I didn’t want to leave you, I just wanted to die with you.  All I could think about was how my life was over, and that’s how I felt for a very long time. It took a lot of reflecting and processing to get to where I am now. Yes, our life is over and I can never go back to that life, no matter how hard I try or will it to come back. It is gone forever.  I can never have that life back. I can wither away, live in the void, and die with it or I can choose to continue living and celebrating our story and your legacy. No matter how hard it gets or how tempting it is to just give up and succumb to the void, I will always choose life because I know that’s what you would want me to do.  It would break your heart if I decided to wither away or be consumed by the void. I could hear you now, “SY, stop being a victim!!” (That’s something you’ve been trying to drill into me for a very long time now!!) “Yes, Babe, I will NOT be a victim! I will put my big girl pants on and roll with it!!”

No matter what, at the end of the day, I have choices and options (even if they are bleak and nothing I want). I can make the most of what life throws at me and embrace all the lessons its trying to teach me or I can curse the universe (which I’ve done plenty of time and nothing changes) and become bitter and let this tragedy swallow me alive.  I wish I can say that I choose the former because I’m smart and enlighten, but honestly, it’s because I hate to lose and admit defeat. I will never go without a fight. I will always be kicking and screaming until it’s my last breath. I think I’m just wired like that; it’s my survival instinct. Also, it would be a complete waste of this beautiful life we created and built together if I just gave up.  I know now that our love will always be stronger than death; it will carry me through my darkest hours. It is your strength and our love that resides deep inside of me that continues to carry me through this journey. I know I resist a lot and try to usurp control (and I fail miserably all the time to my dismay), but I will try to be more open, accepting, and let the journey guide me and continue walking in whatever direction it thinks I need to be on.  I know, resistance is futile anyways!!

I will continue to embrace all the lessons I’m supposed to learn on this journey, and I will keep forging forward towards the great unknown, no matter how scary or daunting it seems.  I know at some point, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, right?

​