I can hear you saying, “SY, I told you, no one is allowed in my man room!!!” But Babe, it’s your dad!! He enjoys hanging in the man room with you. (Still haven’t moved you to your permanent location yet.) He’s been keeping his newly widowed DIL company since Sunday evening. (Yeah, he finally decided to stay with us after all the years of asking him!) It’s like living with you--he walks in and sits in your ‘throne’ like he owned it! He can sit and watch TV all day long like someone else I know. The doggies have really enjoyed his company as well (I think they think it’s you by the way they interact with him!) When I came home from work on Monday, I find him sitting on the chaise in your man room like you do with your ankles crossed--it was very surreal. Then he wanted to go down the street to the market to buy a few things--soda, cookies, and trail mix. (Doesn’t this all sound so familiar?!) 😂😂😂 I told him that you already have all those snacks at home and he says, “I like this specific brand.” (Yeah, of course I’m not going to argue with your dad!) When we get home, I show him all the snacks you still have in the pantry that are the exact same ones he purchased (yes, even the same brand!) I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It’s like my future has arrived--except now it’s a future that will be unrealize.
You don’t know how many times I‘ve said, “You’re just like S!” Of course he says, “No, S is me!” I laugh and say, “You’re right! You are the original and S is just the carbon copy!!” You know how I always tell you I’m going to find a S 2.0 whenever you do anything that irks or annoys me? Hanging with your dad is like hanging with the original version (maybe even the proto version if you’re the original 1.0 version). He drove your car today and complained about how dirty it was!! He said he couldn’t believe it. I said it was probably a product of being with me for so long (since I only wash my car like once a year, if it’s lucky)!! He said keeping your car sparkling clean should run in your blood!! In your dad’s eyes, you went down to S .5 whereas in my eyes, you’ve upgraded to Sean 1.5!! I remember how you would spend the weekend washing all the cars religiously. You even got mad at me when I didn’t notice that my car was magically sparkling clean, and you would say to me a few days later, "Ummm, you're welcome!" and I would say, "For what?!" and you would say annoyingly, "Didn't you notice that your car is clean?!" and I would say, "It is?! I didn't even notice!" 😂😂😂 But come to think about it, I do remember walking pass my car a few times in the parking lot since I didn't recognize it. I knew there was something different about it, but I just couldn't put my finger on it!! Now, I know, it was because it was clean!! 😜😆😝 (Look Babe, it’s like how you never notice I chopped off 15” of my hair--same thing!!) But over time, keeping your car sparkling clean and your appearances became less important to you (not sure what caused this philosophical shift for you, but you’ve changed a lot over the last few years). You never left the house until you were put together from head to toe; everything from your hat to your watch and down to your shoes had to match--even if you were just swearing sweats and a t-shirt. But lately, you didn’t care as much if you went out into the world looking haggard (haggard for your standards, but it was still put together for most people). I remember a time where I said, “You’re going out like that?” And you said, “Yeah, why not?!” I responded with, “But you don’t match.” That’s something you usually say to me, not the other way around. I even remember one time when your Aunt MH said, “You thought you married a 'player,' but instead you got someone who is 'played out'!!” 😂😜😝😆 (You didn't appreciate the comment, but I thought it was hilarious when she said it!) But in all honesty, I much preferred you ‘played out’ since I felt you were putting more emphasis on the values that had more substance than material, appearance, and image. It was like you traded in those values for humility, authenticity, and gratitude. I'll take those values in someone who is 'played out' over a 'player' any day!! 😘😘
Anyways babe, I’ve digressed a bit (what’s new, I know?!). Back to your dad, we had a long conversation last night about widow(er)hood. A while back, I was wondering if I even knew any widows (even my grandma is not a widow), and the only person I could think of was your Great Aunt G. I kept telling myself, if Aunt G can survive widowhood in her 90’s, why can’t I? She lives by herself--so could I!! I was using her as my model for strength and survival in widowhood. If she can be independent and live alone at 90-something after uncle AJ passed, then I have no excuse to not be able to do it at 30-something. But I had forgot, your dad is also a widower. It finally occurred to me when we started talking about our shared experiences last night. As you know, he’s about a year and a half ahead of me. (Yup, this was my first time talking to someone else who is going through what I’m going through--it was a little odd that it was my FIL, but it was a great conversation nonetheless.) We talked about how it still feels unreal that our spouses aren’t here--if anything, the only thing that gets us through this life is the thought that our spouses didn't die; they are just waiting for us to arrive for our date (in a different realm). So, it’s not 'goodbye babe,' it’s just 'until we meet again.' Your dad says, he's running a little late for his date with Mama C, but for me, I feel like you left way too early for our date!! Of all the times you had to be early in life, did it really have to be in death?! This would be the one time, I would definitely be okay if you were late. (Whatever babe, I'm not the one who's always late! I just start getting ready after you, and I get distracted along the way and end up being ready after you.) I don't know how long you have to wait for me, but hopefully you have lots of movies and music downloaded on your iPad and and lots of your favorite books to read while you're waiting because I might take awhile. But I'm excited and can't wait to see you again for our next 'eternal' date together! I love and miss you so much!! ❤️😘❤️😘
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.