When me, myself, and I isn't enough...

Hi Babe,

It’s me again!  I know I was supposed to take a break from grief, but I guess it’s not something I can control or manage.  Today was a perfectly normal earth 2 day, I went to work and cooked dinner when I got home. I planned on making flan for work and while the flan was baking, I was going to continue making aprons for my neighbor who needed new aprons for her art students who are mentally disabled.   So, that was the plan, and flan is the easiest thing to make in the whole wide world (shhhh...don’t tell anybody I said that because I want people to think I slave away in the kitchen for it!!) I was making two batches and everything was going according to the plan until I go to put the flan in the oven.  That’s when everything fell apart and became an epic fail!! I had this brilliant idea to use the tray that rolls out to put the flan so it would be easy to fill the bottom tray with water for the bath the flan needs to cook in. Well between all the ceramic trays, water bath, and flan mixture, the tray gave out and collapses because of the undistributed weight.  I see the tray rolling out slowly and I know what is about to happen, but instead of reacting (which would be my normal reaction in earth 1. I just stand there and stare at it rollout in slow motion while both trays with the uncooked flan mixture and their baths rolls off the tray and spills all over the oven door and kitchen floors. So I spend the next hour on my hands and knees trying to clean up the mess since it got all over the oven and was seeping into the cracks around the appliances and cabinets.  I get completely frustrated with myself, and I start to break down. All I could think about was how it just felt like our life - we were the flan that was about to get baked and become something better than when they started out, but before they even had a chance, it all came crashing down and shattered all over the floor, and I’m the only one left to pick up the pieces and clean the mess up. I get completely frustrated, and I break down and start crying because it reminded me of our life, but at the same time, I also realized that if you were still alive and this happened, you would be hovering over me  laughing and making fun of me while I’m on my hands and knees trying to clean up the mess (and of course you wouldn’t help me clean it up since you would say, “SY, that’s your mess. Don’t drag me down with you when I wasn’t involved in creating the mess!!” Yeah, that’s how you always do me!!) So, it was all very bittersweet - which is the story of my life. At moments of joy, all I can think about is how you’re not here to share in the joy with me. During moments of grief, sorrow, and pain, all I can think about is how I don’t have “my person” anymore and I’m all alone to deal with the pain, sorrow, and grief by myself.  
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The other day, a coworker asked, “How are you coping?!”  Nobody has ever asked me this question before. I just kinda stared blankly and didn’t really know how to even answer that question.  I have no clue how I’m coping to be honest. Sometimes, I still can’t believe that this is even my life. Most of time, you’re still on an extended business trip until it hits me that you aren’t here anymore and my heart skips a few beats.  I usually try to not think that you are dead. Sometimes, I can’t even remember what our life was like anymore. I can’t even remember that I used to have a husband to share this life with. Whenever I see our smiling faces in photos, it feels like a lifetime ago.  Like it’s someone else’s life, and not mine. I think I’ve started blocking out our life and memories, so I can “cope” with this alternate life I live now. A life where I do the same things and routine as if you were still alive, but now I just do everything by myself.  I know the therapist has wanted me to start adding new things to my routine to help transition to a life without you, but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know what that means or what it would look like. I can’t even bring myself to go through your things and start thinking about what to do with your stuff.  Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and live in the dream with you forever or wake up and not have any memories of us because anything else is too unbearable.

I think I needed to take a break from grief because I didn’t want to miss you more than I already do.  (well i was successful for a week - not bad, I guess. I was hoping for the entire month but I’ll take whatever I can.)  Besides being angry with you for not being here to support me when my grandma passed, it also made me miss you even more.  All I can think about is how much I miss you, and how I feel so completely alone. OMG, I just realize that today is your 7 month deathversary when I was trying to figure out the last time I had someone to hold me tight in an embrace and tell me they love me.  That’s the one thing I’ve come to realize that I crave the most is human contact. Not just human contact with anybody, but human contact with someone who knows your soul inside and out; someone who knows you better than you know yourself; someone who can finish your sentence or thought without you ever uttering one word; someone who’s literally a part of your soul and being.  I used to have someone to talk to all the time. Someone to give me hugs everyday. Someone to kiss me everyday. Someone to say, “I love you” to everyday. Someone to say to me “I love you too” everyday. Now, I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to hold me when I’m crying my eyes out. Nobody to tell me it’s going to be okay. Nobody to wipe away my tears. Nobody to carry me through the fire.  Nobody to tame the wild horse that is me. Nobody to talk me off the ledge. All I have now is me, myself, and I - and sometimes that just isn’t enough.

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