Grandma had a stroke! I’ve been in the OC since Sunday. Been spending my days in the hospital with her. It’s been very hard and difficult to watch her this time. The stroke affected the left side of her brain which affects analytical thought, logic, speech, organizational skills, and a slew of other important functions. She is paralyzed on the right side and is unable to speak. It’s like watching someone trapped in their body trying to get out. She goes in and out of alertness and consciousness. At times, we can’t tell if she is asleep or awake. Everytime she is alert, she is in tears and is grasping our hands tightly. I can only assume her tears are filled with fear, frustration, sadness, yearning, hopelessness, and helplessness. She can’t even tell us what she wants or needs anymore. She is also on a feeding tube since she can’t swallow, so technically, she is kept alive with a machine right now. I’ve tried advocating for hospice care for almost a year now, but somehow quality of life hasn’t prevailed over quantity of life at this moment. My grandma needs help easing her pain and fear of dying, not more hospital visits and tubes being inserted into her to prolong her suffering. She needs help finding peace, so she can transition to the next part of her journey. Since my voice and advocacy has proven futile, I’ve decided to go home. How can you make anyone see something they cannot see?! It's literally impossible. Ultimately, I've decided that this is not my battle nor do I have the emotional strength or fortitude to sit and watch my grandma's soul struggling to get out of her body. It looks like that scene from the Exorcist where the lady writes "Help Me" on her stomach. I was never able to get pass that scene in the Exorcist and it was the first 15 minutes of the movie. I've decided that I can no longer sit back and watch the trainwreck that is about to happen. I’ve said my goodbye to her today, and I’ve accepted that this is my grandma’s and aunt’s journey now. They are on the only passengers remaining on the bus while everybody else has gotten off, and their fates and destinies are intertwined; it’s between them and the universe now, and whomever’s will is the strongest will prevail.
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.