widowhood etiquette

Hi Babe,

Well, two offsites done! I’ve been drinking since 11:45am yesterday!!  Who knew I had it in me to do all that drinking!! It’s been a little emotional these last couple of days since this was the first time some coworkers from remote locations saw me face to face.  I sat with one of the directors from our seattle office at the first offsite in Half Moon Bay, and he asked how I was doing and we chatted a bit about you and next thing I know, I was in tears and couldn’t stop crying.  This is the main reason I refrain from talking about my grief at work!! It was a little bittersweet to be in Half Moon Bay since we used to go there for lunch and to ride our bikes from time to time. I think one of our last bike rides and lunch excursions together was at Half Moon Bay.  I remember you made a sharp turn at the last minute on a path by the beach and since I wasn’t prepared to make the turn, I didn’t cut the corner all the way and ended up hitting a bush next to the post you were trying to avoid and ended up falling off the bike. The bush and grass ended up breaking my fall so it didn’t hurt and we both just laughed as I was laying on the grass as onlookers kept asking if I was okay.  You would yell back, “She’s alright!!” During that ride, we also got lost in the woods since we took a wrong turn coming back, and we ended up on a path that had a lot of loose gravel where we stopped to find our bearings. Then you decided we needed to turn around, but when I went to turn the bike around, I ended up skidding on the loose gravel and completely ate it to the point I took a chunk of skin off my hands and I was bleeding.  I was also all tangled up in my bike and couldn’t get up and was yelling in pain. You walked over, picked me and the bike up and said, “SY, you’re fine! Stop acting like a baby! Get on your bike and let’s go!” I protested that I was in a lot of pain and needed some time to “collect” myself, but you didn’t care, you said you were leaving and I better keep up!! That’s usually how you do me, no pity or sympathy!! Pain or no pain, I just had to keep going and keep up.  I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing since you passed. Pain or no pain, I just have to keep moving and keep going because you wouldn’t be okay with anything less than that. Most days I do just keep going and moving because that’s all I really can do, but there are always days that are harder than others, and today is one of those days.

I miss you a lot whenever I read an article or something happens and I realize I have nobody to share it with.  I have nobody to send the funny or interesting or absurd article or photo or video I’m reading or looking at or watching to.  Nobody to share the stories from my day with. Nobody to talk to when I’m home. Nobody to go watch a movie with whenever there’s a movie I want to see.  Nobody to go bike riding with or drive with to Sonoma or Half Moon Bay for a spontaneous lunch or to laugh at me whenever I do or say anything silly or absurd.  Remember how you would always call your mom to tell her whatever absurd thing I would say or whenever I mispronounce a word so badly that you felt compelled to call your mom so you could make laugh and make fun of me!!  I miss your boisterous laughter, your smile, the looks you give me whenever I’m up to no good or whenever you’re making fun of me, and the way you look at me whenever I annoy you-- where you don’t know if you want to kill me or hug me.  I miss almost everything about you; even all the annoying things you used to do like leaving your shoes all over the house and I end up tripping all over them or leaving your receipts all over the dining table and refusing to let me throw anything away just in case you decide to return something (which you never did BTW!!).  A long time ago, I remember reading an article about a widow who talked about how couples argue about stupid little things like leaving clothes on the floors or leaving dishes in the sink, etc. and she said after her husband died, she realize they were were all stupid little arguments that just cause unneeded grievances in a relationship, which she didn’t understand until her husband died.  I remember reading that article and thinking to myself, “There’s no way I would be okay with letting you get away with all the things you do that annoy me. Even if they seemed like the small things in life. I felt like I deserve to live in a house that was uncluttered by your shoes, receipts and paperwork, new cloth tags that you like you pull off and just leave all over the house, and bottle caps you like to leave on the countertop, so I always nagged you about these things and other insignificant things.  But now I guess you can say I understand what the widow in the article was trying to convey--don’t sweat the small stuff. I didn’t get it earlier, but I do now.

After today’s offsite, I shared a ride back to the hotel with a coworker (from our Seattle office as well), and we were just chit chatting and as we got close to the hotel, he boldly asked, “When are you going to start dating again?!”  I said, “Did you just ask me when I’m going to date again?” (Kinda shocked anyone would ask me that so frankly!! And no, he wasn’t asking for himself -- he’s married with kids and was just talking about going to visit his in-laws in Singapore)  I said half sarcastically, half jokingly, “Why?! Do you know someone that would be a good ‘fit’ for me?!” He said, “No, I just can’t imagine it being hard with your personality.” I started to cry and said, “I still wear my wedding ring and live like I’m still married.  So, what’s hard is realizing I’m single now.” He apologized for upsetting me and just in time to arrive at the hotel before any awkwardness could occur.

Sometimes being a highly functioning widow has its consequences.  I don’t think people at work realize that the pain and grief is the same as day 1 as it is 7 ½ months later, but I’m just better at managing and controlling the pain.  I think my coworkers take my ability to function and act seemingly “normal” as a gauge of me being “okay” and “doing better.” I don’t think people understand that there is no “better” or “normal” for me; it’s just pain management now.  I don't think anybody can say they will ever be okay or normal again after going through what I've gone through.  The pain and trauma will never go away.  There are days, I just look at your photo and imagine what my life would be like if you were still here with me.  Even now, there are certain days where I still can't believe you are not here with me anymore.  It's almost unimaginable.      

During the first month or so after you passed, my therapist asked me, “Why does it bother you when certain people say something and not when others say the same thing?”  I never really understood it either; how I could get upset with one person and not the other when they’re saying the same things to me. But, I think I finally figured it out.  It all boils down to how they perceive and see me. If someone sees a person when they look at me and treats me like I person, then I’m more accepting of what they say to me, but if all they can see is the scarlet letter W etched on my chest when they look at me and try to handle me with kit gloves or walk on eggshells around me, then I have no tolerance for anything that comes out of their mouth.  I know there is nothing normal about me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be treated like a normal person. I’m still interested in what’s going on with your life and what drama or dilemmas you have and juicy gossip you have to share. I’m still a person who can look beyond myself and focus on other things that just my grief. I hate it when people feel like they need to act a certain way around me or watch what they say when I’m around just in case I might break down and fall apart.  So, what the F*** if I do break down and fall apart, that’s okay also! I shouldn’t have to pretend I’m okay to make anyone feel better or comfortable to be around me, and I can still laugh, joke around, and have a good time even though my husband died. I think I’m allowed!

P.S. Wish me luck, tomorrow is your probate hearing - bright and early!!  My lawyer, our good friend SL, said, "I'm sure I don't have to say this, but dress professionally!!"  I responded with, "I was thinking about whether I had to dress professionally or not since I own nothing professional in my closet!"  I guess this is definitely the situation when a t-shirt and jeans will NOT suffice!!  I better start digging deep in my closet to see if I can find anything that is "professional" enough for probate court!!

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