widowhood evolution...

Hey Babe,

It’s that time again to take a pulse on how I’ve progressed through this journey.  The last time I did this was on March 25. Let’s see how I’ve evolved over the last six months (almost) after you passed.  Comments from March are in red.  New comments from today are in blue:  (ha! without realizing it, the red and blue color combo is perfect for today!!  Happy 4th of July babe! Remember, we couldn’t wait to see the fireworks from the house last year?! We said we would throw a 4th of July BBQ if the fireworks were spectacular from the house?!  **SIGH** just another reminder of an unfilled plan!)

• How could I even breathe when you are not here with me?  

You don’t have a choice, you just have to do it.
nothing’s changed here!

• When will I wake up from this nightmare?  

I’m still stuck in this nightmare.
I will never wake up from this nightmare.  This is my life now, my story, whether I like it not.  I didn’t have a choice in the matter, but I have choices on how I choose to move forward, continue living, and celebrating our story and your life.  I will take it slow and one step at a time. I’m learning to be patient and forgiving of myself, I will fall and I will move backward, but the goal is to always find the warrior inside of me, so I can continue to pick myself up and fight.  I’ve also come to learn that strength and vulnerability are intertwined and that’s the beauty of life’s dualities. I have to always remember that “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”    

• Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?  

I’m trying to be positive and remain optimistic that I will at some point wake up from this nightmare, but all signs are pointing to ‘highly unlikely.’
see above comment

• How do get back to Earth 1?  

I’m still trying to figure this one out.  I wish I had a time machine like in Timeless to pick and choose where I want to go back in time to.  (Remember how you started watching this show and I got totally hooked!!  It’s finally back for Season 2.)
Earth 1 doesn’t exist anymore.  Earth 2 is my only reality now, and I’m learning how to adjust in this new world.  Even though I know that only Earth 2 exist, I can’t help but always look back and yearn for life in Earth 1 again.  Even when I’m forging forward and trying to figure who I am and where I want to go in Earth 2, all I really want is you and life in Earth 1 back.  Every part of me knows that it’s impossible, but that hasn’t stopped me to still want and yearn for it everyday.

• What do I have to do to get back to Earth 1?  

This is all I think about and I still haven’t figured it out yet.  I’ll let you know when I figure it out though!
see comment above

• What could I have done differently to save you?  

I think first, I need to know why you died.  I feel like whenever I find out, it will be another downward spiral for me; like having to relive the first few days of your passing again.  I’m kind of dreading it actually.
There were many things I could have done differently to save you, and I could have pushed you harder, but at the end of the day, I know that you will always be you and there’s nothing I could have done differently that would change your fate.  The only person that could have changed your fate was you, and you decided that you knew better than the signs your body was telling you. So, you paid the ultimate price. I can be mad and angry at you (which I think I am in some small way deep down inside), but ultimately it changes nothing but makes me an angry and bitter person.  And I rather not be an angry and bitter person, it would just be very unbecoming of me, you know what I mean?!

• Why didn’t I pick up on the signs (if there were any)?

this is dependent on the above, so we shall see.
See above comment

• Is this really how our story ends?  (I can’t accept that this is how our story ends, it’s not supposed to be this way.)  

It can end this way, or I can make sure there are a few more chapters to go before our story ends; even if I can’t change or rewrite the ending, I can still make sure I keep your memory alive.
This is how our story ends, Babe!  I thought I had to write a few more chapters before it really ended and leave our life behind and start a new one by myself, but what I’ve come to realize is that our story ended, but your presence and memory will never die or end in some chapter of my story, you will always and forever be a part of my story and my life.  I just need to figure out what that means and looks like as I progressed through the rest of my journey and story. I’m fairly certain our relationship will never end. It will always continue to evolve and forever be a work in progress until the day I die.   

• Why do people in terrible marriages / relationships get to live together for an entire lifetime when we were so happy and only got 14 years?  

This was a terrible thing to say out loud.  Let’s forget I even thought or said it outloud.    
I can’t seem to find the strikeout feature so I can finally strike this comment out.

• Will this pain and emptiness ever end?  

I hope and pray it does, but as of right now, the pain and sadness still resides in my heart, and I feel like I’m still on a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows, but at least it’s more manageable now.  However, I don’t feel the emptiness as much. I’m not sure if I’ve blocked it out so the experience is more bearable and less immobilizing or if the emptiness is really gone. So, I guess this is still vague at the moment.    
The pain will never end or go away.  It will always reside in my heart and soul forever.  It’s a part of who I am now. It’s a part of me. It’s a part of my journey and my story.  The more I’ve come to accept this, the easier it’s become to love myself and be more patient and forgiving with myself.  I don’t think I feel empty now, but what I do feel constantly is loneliness. It’s hard to go from having a life partner to share your entire life and world with to having nobody.  Just wanting to go watch a movie or have someone to hang out with or do something with requires thought and work now. It’s not as simple as, “Hey Babe, let’s go do the movies!!” or “Hey Babe, do you want to go try that new restaurant that just opened up down the street?”              

• Why does my heart feel so empty and numb?  

My heart doesn’t feel empty or numb anymore, but I’m not sure if I just pushed it aside by keeping busy and forging forward.  It will probably all hit me like a ton of brick when I least expect it.
Empty - not really anymore
Numb - not really anymore
But I do feel lonely most of the time now, even when I’m in a room full of people or doing things with family and friends.  What I miss is the connection we had, the laughs we shared, the looks we would give each other that require no words but we knew exactly what they means.  But, nowadays, I just feel incomplete, like I’ve left a piece of my heart and soul somewhere, and I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Even without saying a word, we knew what the other person was thinking.  We used to say to each other, “I know you better than you know yourself.” And the more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. Now, when I think about having to start all over again to build what he had with someone else, it just seems so daunting.     

• Why do I sometimes get so sick to my stomach that I want to explode?

Thank god I don’t feel sick to my stomach and want to explode anymore, but I’m still not sure if this is just a byproduct of keeping busy and forging forward or if I really feel better.  It’s hard to say at this moment.  
Happy to announce I don’t feel this way anymore.  I think the feeling is still there though, but it’s less pronounced and manifests as a skip in my heartbeat.  

• Will I ever be okay?  

the answer to this one is still ¯\_(ツ)_/ but at least I feel like it’s possible that I will be okay one day.  
this is still ¯\_(ツ)_/.  I know I’m in the ‘I’m not okay and that’s okay’ phase of this journey.  I’ve also come to realize that ‘okay’ may mean something very different to me now than what it did before.  I may never be okay like before, but that doesn’t mean I’m not okay. It just means my ‘I’m okay’ now looks different than before.  I may not know what “I’m okay” in this new world order looks like yet, but I will die trying to figure it out.

• Will I survive this tragedy?  

I think at the end of the day, I will survive this tragedy.  Not because I’ve mastered grief or found some hidden secret to beat or cope with it, but more out of sheer will because that’s just who I am--a survivor.  That’s who I am and that’s all I know.
Nothing’s changed here

• Am I just waiting to die so I can be with you again?  

Not sure that there’s an answer to this one but I do contemplate how long it could be if I was to live a long and natural life before I can see you again.  This thought just makes me feel helpless and hopelessness, so I just force myself to stop going down this road since it’s not anything I will ever know or have control over.
I don’t think I’m going to die soon, but I still do miss you and want to see you again.  But at least now that I’ve finished my estate planning, I at least know my affairs are in order and I don’t have that feeling like there are loose ends to tie.

• Am I going to die soon? (Studies have shown it’s not just elderly couples that suffer from the widowhood effect; young widows can also suffer from the widowhood effect.  Okay, I’ll lay off Google, I promise!)

I hope not.  Even though most of the time, I feel like I’m not really living right now, and I’m just kind of pushing forward to keep fighting to live another day, I know that there’s still a lot in this life that I have to do and accomplish.  I just need more time to process, reflect, and find my footing, purpose, and meaning in life again. You’ve left a big hole in my life that I need to slowly fill up again.
I will never know the answer to this question.  I just have to keep living each day to the fullest and be open to whatever the universe has in store for me.  

• How can I take care of all our fur babies and a fish?  

They’re a lot of work but how can I not?! They’re our babies, so I just have to do it.  It’s not like you can give away your children, well except if it’s a fish. Sorry Babe, but you know that I know nothing about taking care of a fish, so I had to find a new home for Samy.  I made sure it was with someone that would take really good care of him.
Well, except for Samy, I’m making it work with the fur babies!  Although they are going ‘rogue’ as you would like to call it! Hey, something’s gotta give and discipline is it when you’re a single parent of five needy, high maintenance fur babies!!!

• How can I even manage this house by myself?  

I’m slowly managing it again.  Baby steps is all I can do.
With a lot of help and support is the only way I can manage this house (and my life) right now!

• Should I sell the house?  

Who knows?  This is still ¯\_(ツ)_/
Nothing’s changed here

• Should I keep the house?  

At this moment, I have no choice!  It’s an investment and you can’t buy high and sell low!!  
Nothing’s changed here

• Can I even live in this house by myself? (I’ve never been alone overnight in this house since you passed, there’s always someone babysitting me.)  

I’m happy to say that I can live in this house by myself.  Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could but I had to really mentally and emotionally prepared myself for it.  It took about a month and half to really feel comfortable and wrap my head around the idea. I was scared and frightened that I wouldn’t be able to, but I found the strength to say, “I think I’m ready,” and did it.  But it’s eerily quiet and different, and I’m still adjusting to it. All of your stuff is still where it was before you passed. I haven’t really gone through any of your things. I think I just like it the way it is.  The thought of having a ½ empty closet is too much to bear so everything remains the same. I do find comfort in all your things being where they were before you passed. It makes me feel like you’re just away on a business trip and will be home soon.  I tell myself that I will start going through your stuff in April / May timeframe, so I guess we shall see how it goes.
I’m more comfortable in the house now and getting used to being alone and it always being quiet.  Your stuff is still here, I haven’t really done much but organized the utility room with all your tools and stuff.  I tell myself I’m almost already to start going through your things, but whenever I think about it, I just lose all willpower and desire, so everything is as it was before you passed.

• Do I need to get a roommate?  

I don’t necessarily think I need a roommate, but I think it would be nice to have some company since it’s been awhile since I’ve lived by myself.  But finding the right roommate would be key though!
I’m not ready for a roommate is what I’ve come to realize unless it’s somebody I know I can get along with and live in harmony with.  

• Can I even live with a roommate?  

Well this is one of those wait and see type of thing!  I will only know when I know, right?
Nothing’s changed here

• Can I go back to work?  

Well, happy to announce that I’m back at work and I’ve hit the ground running.  The first couple of weeks was hard, but once I got back into the groove of things, it was like riding a bike!
Work is my only solace right now.  It’s the only place where I feel like everything is the same and nothing has changed (maybe the only thing that has changed is me at work, but other than that, it’s business as usual!)

• How can I take care of all our fur babies and also go to work all by myself?

I’m doing it; so it’s possible.
Nothing’s changed here

• Who will take care of the fur babies when I have to travel (for work and personal)?  

Glad to have SC and MP and of course uncle YA!!  So, now that I’m the only surviving parent left, I decided that YA will be the fur babies guardian.  It’s officially in the will (even though he hasn’t agreed to it yet!) They get their little own trust fund if mama dies before them, and if the trust fund isn’t enough than uncle YA will have to come out of pocket!  Uncle YA says I also need to leave him some money for a down payment on a house since he’s not currently living in a pet-friendly apartment! Yeah, this is really where I must draw the line!!
I have to start casting a wider net of people to start looking after the animals when I travel for work or pleasure!  I still need to travel for work, and of course all the soul-searching spiritual journeys I want to go on, so I better starting making some new friends that can help out with the babies!  I’ve even asked my dad to come up here and take care of them for an upcoming trip. You know I’m desperate if I’m asking my dad to come look after the babies! He might burn the house down or kill one of the animals!!

• Maybe I should quit my job and move somewhere where nobody knows my story?  

This crossed my mind once or twice in the beginning, but of course I know it’s a ridiculous idea!  But LH thought I was going to move back to So Cal and be closer to my family. I guess he doesn’t realize that moving to So Cal would drive me even crazier!!  
This hasn’t even crossed my mind.  But some days, I do feel like selling everything and just roaming the planet like a nomad though!!  At times, I feel so confined and constricted with life and ‘adulting.’ Why bother doing any of it when we all end up in the same place anyways.  Why do we subject ourselves to this rat race?! What is it all for?! We can’t take anything with us when we die!!

• What am I going to do with all your stuff? (I just realized you were a closeted hoarder!)  

Hopefully, this is something I will figure out sooner than later.  Watch, a year from now, I’ll be revisiting these questions and the answer will still be hopefully I figure something out sooner than later.
The answer to this is still I hope I will figure something out sooner than later.  As for right now, it’s later!!

• Will I ever be able to breathe again?  

Although I didn’t think I could and most of the time I feel very hopeless and helpless, we did establish that the world doesn’t stop for anyone, so we can move with it or not.  I know I only have one option and that is to just keep moving and forging forward.
I can breathe now, and I continue to forge forward even on days when moving forward seems futile.  I’ve come to realize there are two types of widows(ers) in the world (after reading more and more articles on widowhood), those who get consumed by the void or those who continue to embrace life and take it by the horns.  I’m striving to be the latter, even on days when I can’t. I just think about you and how you would never ever want me to get stuck in the void. You love me too much to want that for me and I love you too much to not keep living for the both of us.  

• Will I ever find happiness or joy in life without you?

Who knows?  This is still ¯\_(ツ)_/
My happiness and joy currently comes in the form of connecting with you through the blog and journaling, sharing our story and keeping your memory alive, and continuing to fulfill the plans we made together.  

• Can I even find happiness or joy without you in my life?

Who knows?  This is still ¯\_(ツ)_/
see comment above

• How can I live without you in my life?  

It’ been hard, but each day, I’m putting one foot in front of the other.  I just have to keep moving and forging forward, and remember that this journey is a marathon and not a sprint.  I have to find a balance that allows me to continue to process and grieve while also moving and forging forward.  I still don’t think I’ve found the right speed yet, but I’m pretty good at course correcting so in due time, I’m sure I will strike a balance that works for me on this journey.
This has definitely been hard.  There are times where I feel like I can do it and then there are other times where I’m just overtaken by grief.  All I can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps until I can walk and run again.

• Now that I understand our body is just a vessel,
  • do I want to donate my organs and help save lives like you did?

yes, why wouldn’t I want to save a life if I could (even though it’s not part of my culture).  Sometimes, we have to look beyond culture and belief and do the right and logical thing.
Nothing’s changed here

• do I still want to get buried or do I want to be cremated like you?

I’ve decided that I’ll just get cremated like you.  I was thinking we have our ashes spread in Belize, since we both agreed we wanted to retire there.
Nothing’s changed here

• am I still scared of death or has my perspective changed?  

I’m still scared of death, but I definitely have a new perspective and understanding of grief.  I have a more profound appreciation and respect for how short and precious life is and to never take anything for granted, even if you think you have time.  You should always live like today is your last because nothing is guaranteed in life except death and taxes.
Nothing’s changed here

• Am I supposed to date again? (We already established that we wouldn’t survive in the current dating scene, especially when we didn’t even know what Tinder was in 2014.)

I think this question and the others after is way too early to even reflect on.  So, we’ll leave them as is.
I think the answer to this is yes, but when I’m ready and when it feels right!  I’ve started thinking about this more and more by reading articles on dating as a widow and what it’s like to be dating in your 40’s.  Some of the stories and experiences being shared are funny and hopeful, while others make it seem like I’m doomed before I start!! One widow relates her re-entry to the dating scene to a NASA spaceship re-entering earth.  Some live to tell about it while others crash and burn!! Daunting, right?!

• Can I even fathom dating again?

No, not at all!!  I haven’t been on a date in over a decade and a half.  I don’t even know where to start!!

• What if I meet someone new,
  • is he going to understand that he has to share my heart with you?

I’ve come to learn that he will have to if he wants to be a part of my life.  You aren’t going anywhere, so he will have to learn to share my heart with you. There’s really no way around it (at least this is how I feel right now!)

• • is he supposed to just live here with me in this house we built together? ¯\_(ツ)_/
• What if I remarry,
  • would it still be okay to wear your wedding ring and Buddha around my neck? ¯\_(ツ)_/
  • what would I do with my name? - this question just never gets old! ¯\_(ツ)_/
  • would it be okay if I ask him to spread your ashes with mine and his, if I die first? But where would we spread them?  Someplace that is special to you and me or me and him? (Assumes I get cremated, which I haven’t decided yet, but with the high cost of burial--I might not have a choice!) ¯\_(ツ)_/