GOOD-BYE BABE
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My Journey
Hey Babe,
It’s that time again to take a pulse on how I’ve progressed through this journey. The last time I did this was on March 25. Let’s see how I’ve evolved over the last six months (almost) after you passed. Comments from March are in red. New comments from today are in blue: (ha! without realizing it, the red and blue color combo is perfect for today!! Happy 4th of July babe! Remember, we couldn’t wait to see the fireworks from the house last year?! We said we would throw a 4th of July BBQ if the fireworks were spectacular from the house?! **SIGH** just another reminder of an unfilled plan!)
nothing’s changed here!
I will never wake up from this nightmare. This is my life now, my story, whether I like it not. I didn’t have a choice in the matter, but I have choices on how I choose to move forward, continue living, and celebrating our story and your life. I will take it slow and one step at a time. I’m learning to be patient and forgiving of myself, I will fall and I will move backward, but the goal is to always find the warrior inside of me, so I can continue to pick myself up and fight. I’ve also come to learn that strength and vulnerability are intertwined and that’s the beauty of life’s dualities. I have to always remember that “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
see above comment
Earth 1 doesn’t exist anymore. Earth 2 is my only reality now, and I’m learning how to adjust in this new world. Even though I know that only Earth 2 exist, I can’t help but always look back and yearn for life in Earth 1 again. Even when I’m forging forward and trying to figure who I am and where I want to go in Earth 2, all I really want is you and life in Earth 1 back. Every part of me knows that it’s impossible, but that hasn’t stopped me to still want and yearn for it everyday.
see comment above
There were many things I could have done differently to save you, and I could have pushed you harder, but at the end of the day, I know that you will always be you and there’s nothing I could have done differently that would change your fate. The only person that could have changed your fate was you, and you decided that you knew better than the signs your body was telling you. So, you paid the ultimate price. I can be mad and angry at you (which I think I am in some small way deep down inside), but ultimately it changes nothing but makes me an angry and bitter person. And I rather not be an angry and bitter person, it would just be very unbecoming of me, you know what I mean?!
See above comment
This is how our story ends, Babe! I thought I had to write a few more chapters before it really ended and leave our life behind and start a new one by myself, but what I’ve come to realize is that our story ended, but your presence and memory will never die or end in some chapter of my story, you will always and forever be a part of my story and my life. I just need to figure out what that means and looks like as I progressed through the rest of my journey and story. I’m fairly certain our relationship will never end. It will always continue to evolve and forever be a work in progress until the day I die.
I can’t seem to find the strikeout feature so I can finally strike this comment out.
The pain will never end or go away. It will always reside in my heart and soul forever. It’s a part of who I am now. It’s a part of me. It’s a part of my journey and my story. The more I’ve come to accept this, the easier it’s become to love myself and be more patient and forgiving with myself. I don’t think I feel empty now, but what I do feel constantly is loneliness. It’s hard to go from having a life partner to share your entire life and world with to having nobody. Just wanting to go watch a movie or have someone to hang out with or do something with requires thought and work now. It’s not as simple as, “Hey Babe, let’s go do the movies!!” or “Hey Babe, do you want to go try that new restaurant that just opened up down the street?”
Empty - not really anymore Numb - not really anymore But I do feel lonely most of the time now, even when I’m in a room full of people or doing things with family and friends. What I miss is the connection we had, the laughs we shared, the looks we would give each other that require no words but we knew exactly what they means. But, nowadays, I just feel incomplete, like I’ve left a piece of my heart and soul somewhere, and I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Even without saying a word, we knew what the other person was thinking. We used to say to each other, “I know you better than you know yourself.” And the more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. Now, when I think about having to start all over again to build what he had with someone else, it just seems so daunting.
Happy to announce I don’t feel this way anymore. I think the feeling is still there though, but it’s less pronounced and manifests as a skip in my heartbeat.
this is still ¯\_(ツ)_/. I know I’m in the ‘I’m not okay and that’s okay’ phase of this journey. I’ve also come to realize that ‘okay’ may mean something very different to me now than what it did before. I may never be okay like before, but that doesn’t mean I’m not okay. It just means my ‘I’m okay’ now looks different than before. I may not know what “I’m okay” in this new world order looks like yet, but I will die trying to figure it out.
Nothing’s changed here
I don’t think I’m going to die soon, but I still do miss you and want to see you again. But at least now that I’ve finished my estate planning, I at least know my affairs are in order and I don’t have that feeling like there are loose ends to tie.
I will never know the answer to this question. I just have to keep living each day to the fullest and be open to whatever the universe has in store for me.
Well, except for Samy, I’m making it work with the fur babies! Although they are going ‘rogue’ as you would like to call it! Hey, something’s gotta give and discipline is it when you’re a single parent of five needy, high maintenance fur babies!!!
With a lot of help and support is the only way I can manage this house (and my life) right now!
Nothing’s changed here
Nothing’s changed here
I’m more comfortable in the house now and getting used to being alone and it always being quiet. Your stuff is still here, I haven’t really done much but organized the utility room with all your tools and stuff. I tell myself I’m almost already to start going through your things, but whenever I think about it, I just lose all willpower and desire, so everything is as it was before you passed.
I’m not ready for a roommate is what I’ve come to realize unless it’s somebody I know I can get along with and live in harmony with.
Nothing’s changed here
Work is my only solace right now. It’s the only place where I feel like everything is the same and nothing has changed (maybe the only thing that has changed is me at work, but other than that, it’s business as usual!)
Nothing’s changed here
I have to start casting a wider net of people to start looking after the animals when I travel for work or pleasure! I still need to travel for work, and of course all the soul-searching spiritual journeys I want to go on, so I better starting making some new friends that can help out with the babies! I’ve even asked my dad to come up here and take care of them for an upcoming trip. You know I’m desperate if I’m asking my dad to come look after the babies! He might burn the house down or kill one of the animals!!
This hasn’t even crossed my mind. But some days, I do feel like selling everything and just roaming the planet like a nomad though!! At times, I feel so confined and constricted with life and ‘adulting.’ Why bother doing any of it when we all end up in the same place anyways. Why do we subject ourselves to this rat race?! What is it all for?! We can’t take anything with us when we die!!
The answer to this is still I hope I will figure something out sooner than later. As for right now, it’s later!!
I can breathe now, and I continue to forge forward even on days when moving forward seems futile. I’ve come to realize there are two types of widows(ers) in the world (after reading more and more articles on widowhood), those who get consumed by the void or those who continue to embrace life and take it by the horns. I’m striving to be the latter, even on days when I can’t. I just think about you and how you would never ever want me to get stuck in the void. You love me too much to want that for me and I love you too much to not keep living for the both of us.
My happiness and joy currently comes in the form of connecting with you through the blog and journaling, sharing our story and keeping your memory alive, and continuing to fulfill the plans we made together.
see comment above
This has definitely been hard. There are times where I feel like I can do it and then there are other times where I’m just overtaken by grief. All I can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps until I can walk and run again.
Nothing’s changed here
Nothing’s changed here
Nothing’s changed here
I think the answer to this is yes, but when I’m ready and when it feels right! I’ve started thinking about this more and more by reading articles on dating as a widow and what it’s like to be dating in your 40’s. Some of the stories and experiences being shared are funny and hopeful, while others make it seem like I’m doomed before I start!! One widow relates her re-entry to the dating scene to a NASA spaceship re-entering earth. Some live to tell about it while others crash and burn!! Daunting, right?!
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AuthorA grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event. Archives
July 2021
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