So, instead of doing my performance review, which is due tomorrow, I decided to write you instead! I know, I’m such a procrastinator!! I don’t know what came over me tonight, but I was texting with EE about a trip to take at the end of the month (yes, another #nofear camping trip, you know I’m always wanting to go on a spiritual journey!! If I was footloose and fancy-free like I was in my early 20’s, you know I would already be in some far away land, trying to find myself, but since I’m almost 40 with 5 animals in tow and a mortgage to pay amongst other things, running away and leaving life behind becomes challenging, you know?! #adultingaintnocakewalk). I was also reviewing the finalized plans for the backyard from the landscape architect and solidifying my weekend plans with MP. I started to ask MP if he could help animal sit so I can go on these mini-quasi-spiritual journeys, and out of nowhere, I just started crying. Just like that, I was crying uncontrollably in the dark in the dining room with only the light from my computer and phone glaring at me. I think it all just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to run away, but I knew I couldn’t really run away or escape because ‘adulting’ got in the way. I was missing you a lot and feeling very alone when I was going over the backyard designs. It was also this realization that the backyard is the last and final item on the list of things I wanted to complete and fulfill from our life together. A life that I know doesn’t exist anymore, but somehow I can’t seem to let go of. Days before you passed, you kept bugging me about ideas for the backyard, even though I kept insisting that the backyard was the last thing on the remodel list after the bathrooms and replacing the doors and windows. But you kept saying, “I know we’re not going to do the work on the backyard soon, but we can at least talk about what we plan to do now?!” I kept saying, “Why talk about it now when we have all the time in the world to discuss it later?!” But you wouldn’t drop the subject, and you kept insisting we discuss it now (it was almost like you knew something was up and wanted to make sure I knew what your final wishes were!! Why couldn't you insist on telling me what you wanted me to do with your ashes instead?! Then I wouldn't have to sit here and figure it out on my own. **SIGH**). I think, I also felt really bad for always wanting to run away and leaving the babies behind. Whenever I leave now, they get very anxious and are extremely happy and relieved whenever I return. I think, whenever I’m gone now, they’re unsure if I will come back or not since you left and never came back. They get overly anxious and more stressed out whenever they know I'm getting ready to go somewhere. I know the babies are still grieving, and they need me to be a more present and stable force in their life right now, but how can I be that present and stable force in their life when I can barely do that for myself?! So, all the self-pitying and frustrations culminated in tears that gushed out of me uncontrollably.
It’s the internal struggle that continues to rage on inside of me. The need to always want to move forward and ‘get on with life’ while the yearning and longing for what was and wanting to live in the past keeps holding me back. It’s like each step I take forward, I’m always looking back and wanting to move backwards instead of forward. All I keep hearing in my head is this quote by an anonymous source, “Don’t look back! You’re not going that way!” But, backwards is the only way I want to go though. Forward means I have to live this life without you, and most of the time, that thought is completely unbearable. It brings me to my knees and makes me feel so hopeless and defeated, like there’s nothing left to live for. There are times when I feel like I’m almost done saying goodbye to you, but then I have a day like today, and it makes me realize that I am far from being done saying goodbye to you.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.