Today I thought about us a lot. How ‘forever’ just wasn’t long enough. Just the thought of you brings tears down my cheeks. I miss you a lot. I never told you what I got your mom for mother’s day this year. I got her a framed Winnie the Pooh poster that says,
“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart...I’ll always be with you.”
I ended up getting myself the same thing and I put it on your nightstand. The first few days whenever I walked into our bedroom and saw the poster (which always startled me whenever I saw it since I forget I put it there), I would get emotional and start crying. I put it on your side of the bedroom to symbolize you being here with me physically and always forever in my heart also, and to remind myself whenever I didn’t feel brave, strong, or smart that I’m all these things even if I didn’t feel or believe I was.
I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking about how I’ve been trying to say goodbye to the love of my life, but maybe what I have to realize is that I can never say goodbye to you. Maybe that’s not the point and I got it all wrong. What if I spend my entire lifetime saying goodbye to you--does that mean I failed or succeeded? Most of the time, I can’t imagine feeling this pain for the rest of my life because there are days where it’s just too much to bear that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!?!” Whenever I feel that this pain can’t get any deeper, it does. I feel like I’m standing on a cliff looking down and wondering how much further can this pain goes before it can’t go any further! When will that day come?! I welcome it with open arms.
Anyways, it’s getting late and I’m in a totally dark place, so I better just go before I find out how much deeper this pain can go!
Oh I didn’t tell you, I made my first ‘widow’ box on a form and checked it! Ironically, it was a form to transfer your 401k to me. The form says ‘Surviving spouse transfer form’ and they still didn’t have a widow’s box to check. I couldn’t believe it...my options were: single, married, divorce, or registered domestic partner. They gave everyone a box except me. I didn’t fit into any one of those things. So, I put a box with the word ‘widow’ next to it and checked that! Go screw yourself Charles Schwab! How dare you send me a letter that expresses your condolences on the death of my spouse and ask me to fill out a form that’s titled ‘Surviving spouse transfer form’ and not have a freaking ‘widow’ box under martial status. That makes no sense to me at all! It’s almost like they didn’t bother to proofread their own form or do any type of focus group testing. I feel like I need to rally and unite all widows on this earth, so we can start a revolution refusing to live in silence or be invisible. We deserve our own box under marital status. We won’t be forced to live under the guise of being ‘single’ like our husbands didn’t exist or that we didn't have another life that we actually chose. That this life we are living right now wasn’t our choice. We didn’t have a voice or say in the matter. Actually, I need to start an evolution. Revolutions end and the results don’t always last; whereas, an evolution is an intrinsic change that stays even when the fight is over.
I read somewhere that people always have an issue with their box. For instance, someone who’s single might not want to be called out on being single, or someone who’s divorce might feel that checking that box means they failed at marriage. Well, let me tell you people, at least you have a box -- I don’t even have a box to check. I’m just single like the last 14 years of my life never existed. Maybe the divorce box should be remove and people who are divorced should check the single box like widows have to. I mean, at least in divorce, you kinda had a say / voice / choice in it...I didn't have a choice or say in the matter!! The universe didn't come and ask me, "Hey, would it be okay if I take your husband away forever?! " I would have said, "HELL NO!! Can you come in another 40 years or so?! We have a lot of things planned that we need to do before either one of us dies." Nobody ever asked me if I wanted to be a widow, so I should at least have a say in which box I should check! And how does divorce have it's own box? Aren't they single again also?! Why do they have their own box and widows don't?! Makes no sense to me at all. Okay -- I need to start a widow's protest and march on all these lame institutions (especially the retirement industry) and demand to be seen and heard. I refuse to live in the dark and shadows of being single. I want to tell the world that I used to be married but I'm not anymore and I didn't have a choice in the matter. That my life right now wasn't my choice nor what I had planned or imagined it to be.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.