Will the pain ever stop?!

Hey Babe!!

I’m looking forward to the weekend!!  It’s been a long week. I actually went into the office all week.  It’s the first time since I’ve been back on bereavement leave. This would be the week you would say, “SY, looks like you earned your paycheck this week!!”  I thought I was doing pretty good all week--I was keeping up with all the launch activities and late night reporting and status updates, but there wasn’t a lot of time for grief.  So, it all caught up to me today. Not sure if the launch winding down and finally getting a chance to take a breather was part of it, but out of nowhere when I was in mid-cycling at spin class during lunch, I started to get emotional.  (Yes, I do work!! Didn’t I say the launch was winding down, so I had time to go to the gym today!!) I thought I was going to breakdown and cry for no reason. I literally had to catch myself from breaking down in tears. I couldn’t believe it, it was in public in front of 20 strangers sweating our asses off in spin class, and I was going to fall apart into pieces.  I hardly breakdown in front of strangers (you know, part of my great ability to compartmentalize). I don’t even know what I was thinking of or why it started, but it just did. Needless to say, it was hard for me to focus on spin class while trying to fight back tears, but I was still sweating, so it counts as a workout! I thought I had it under control, but as I was walking towards the showers, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just lost it!  I had to rush into one of the showers before people could see me crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t even pull the shower curtain close quick enough before the tears were streaming down my face. This was a new low for me. I guess I realized today, going back to the office full-time probably isn’t going to be a good idea (which I was thinking maybe I would be ready for since I was doing good so far this week!!) Well, let’s just say, I had to take an extra long shower because I couldn’t stop crying.  (I don’t even know if anybody heard me sobbing, oh well! What can I do?! Nothing, that’s the life of a grieving widow.) So, once again, when I thought I was doing okay, I'm constantly reminded that I’m not okay and that the therapist is right again! This pain will never go away. It will never get smaller or better. It will always reside deep inside my heart. I just have to learn to manage it and make it a part of me and my story. Everytime I think of that, you don’t know how sad I get. How bleak and empty my life looks.  How small and inundating I feel. Because how can anyone go through life feeling like they are half a person forever?! Like their life is incomplete. Like their entire existence has no meaning. Like their reality is some crazy nightmare they’re trying to escape. How does anyone survive this experience?! Maybe this is why spouse’s of a recently deceased person usually passes shortly after their spouse dies. The pain is just to unbearable and they can no longer ‘manage and / or control’ it. Anyways, I gotta run. I have to be in the office bright and early tomorrow for an exec review at 9:30am!  (Yup!! You know that is bright and early for me!! I struggle to get to the office before 10:30am)

P.S. Guess what Saturday is?!!  It’s MIL-DIL day!! You’re probably thinking, “NOT AGAIN?!”  Yes babe, AGAIN!! Your mama and I are going to brunch on Sat.  I have a surprise for her, will tell you about it after since I don’t want you to spoil the secret because you know ‘you can’t hold water!!” 😂😆😜😝😬

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