It’s my sister’s bday today!!! And it’s the first anniversary of our house! I can’t believe it’s already been a year since we bought this house. On Monday, it will be one year since we started living here (well, at least for me!). I’ve been struggling a bit this week. I feel like I’m at the crossroads. You’re probably thinking, “Crossroads?! Didn’t you just say there’s no fork in the road anymore?! How can you be at the crossroads?!” Well, like I said, grief is unpredictable and anything goes. I was happy that I wasn’t scared to face my new reality anymore, but then I realize facing my new reality SUCKS bigger than being afraid of it. Anyways, I can hear you know, “Why do you feel like you’re at the crossroads, SY?” I’ve just been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do next?! What do I want to do with my life? What do I want it to look like? It’s like I said before, “I have a blank slate now, and I can do anything I want! Tabula Rasa, baby!!” Do I just go and do whatever I want without any thoughts or regards to what you want, or do I still keep moving with what we’ve already planned and agreed on?! I think I’m in panic mode again--freaking out about what to do next. I know, I haven’t even opened the door yet, and I’m already going a mile a minute. Are you surprised?! I haven’t even taken one step forward yet, but my mind is already 20 steps ahead.
Yesterday, I decided I was going to frame the canvas photo from our wedding. I decided it was something I still wanted to do. So, when I walked to get the canvas from the guest bedroom, I started getting emotional just walking into the hallway. By the time I grabbed the canvas from the closet, I was already crying. I ended up sitting on the bed, hugging the photo, and crying uncontrollably. When I turned my head towards the closet again, I saw the broom we jumped over at our wedding. I was reminded of how I was robbed of my future. How the universe stole everything from me. How I’m left with nothing but shattered dreams and a life unfulfilled. Somehow, I was able to pull it together and get ready to leave. As I walked through the ‘sitting room’ to turn the alarm on, I saw all the tubes of things I had planned to frame as well, the poster I got of our wedding photos, the sketch of our first ‘family photo’ with the babies, and a poster your cousin JH bought you. I decided I was going to frame it all. It was something I had already planned on doing, so they could be hung up in the house. I decided that even though you aren’t here anymore, I will still going to put up our wedding photos since that’s what I had planned on doing when the remodel was done. Maybe they won’t stay up forever, but they will go up until I’m ready to take them down. I decided that I can’t even begin to think about what my life would look like if I hadn’t even finished this one yet. So, I decided I was going to decorate the house the way I wanted to before you passed. Even if I hadn’t discussed the details or specifics with you, I already told you in general what I wanted. So, whether you liked the ideas or not, I’m moving forward with it. And the things you wanted that I didn’t like, well, I’m not going to do them!! That’s what you get for dying on me. (You know, I forget how easy it is to make unilateral decisions.)
The only way I could get over your death was to believe that it was a life completed instead of a life interrupted. I look back on the last month of your life and see how you were able to close out your business without even knowing it. You got to show your mom how much you loved and appreciated her by throwing her a surprise 70th birthday party. At the party, you were able to see your family one last time before you passed. A few days before you passed, we got into an argument, but as a result, you were able to tell me how much you loved me and how I was your ‘everything’. A month before you passed, you mentioned that if you got a new car, you would give Lexi to your brother. And, on numerous occasions, you told me to cremate you and ‘pull the plug’ if you couldn’t live the life you’re living now. In my mind, you made your wishes known, and you closed out your business. So, your life was completed and not interrupted. But, what about me?! My life wasn’t completed; it was definitely interrupted. How can I even begin to write a new chapter, when I haven’t even finished writing the ending to this one.
My slate isn’t blank yet. It was interrupted, and I’m not ready to erase what’s already written or what was going to be written. I have to keep going until this life is finished. I can’t abandon our life unfinished. I have to see it through to the end before I can close this chapter and open a new one.
Anyways Babe, you know I was just joking about the unilateral decision comment. I don’t know which is worse, you nagging and disagreeing with me when you’re alive or when you’re dead. Whenever I do anything that I know you wouldn’t like or agree with, I can’t seem to get your voice out of my head. When you were alive, I can at least roll my eyes or talk back to you, and if I didn’t listen to you (which was often), I wouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it.
Also, can you visit the babies in their dreams and tell them to listen to mommy because they’re all going rogue. A little help on your part would be nice!
Yes, I know I haven’t taken out the safe deposit box key from your mini yet. I know I keep opening the compartment and looking at the key, but I don’t know why I can’t take it out. I’m just not ready to take it out yet. But, I will when I’m ready, I promise!
Okay, if I knew why I’m fixated on staring at my wedding ring on my finger again, I would tell you, but honestly, I have no clue. I don’t know why I’m fixated on staring at my wedding ring on my finger either.
Leave a Reply.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.